My Nephew...

So last night my sister is grocery shopping and she gets a text from my nephew. Two simple words: "I'm Gay". My Nephew is 11 and will be 12 in a couple weeks. I have always had a feeling that this one was gay but pretty much kept it to myself and only said something to Robbyn about it once. Now I have known I was special since I was a young lad of 6 or 7. I also know the damage it caused in my early life because of my religious upbringing. It took me until I was 30 to stop fighting and become who I am today. I do not want this kind of path for my nephew. Robbyn and her husband Mike are very supportive. When she got home she went to his room and asked him some questions about why he thinks he is gay and the best thing in the world she said to him is that she would be supportive even if he was straight. She and I talked on the phone this morning because she wanted some input from me as to how to approach this. So (without going into my family history and boring you all to tears) I described for her how my life proceeded. Keeping it secret, keeping it safe and how that affected my early life and especially how I did not want him to go through a lengthy period in his life similar to my own. Granted coming out today is very different than it was back then. But still, knowing what he is about to face and what he could go through is not very encouraging. As we were talking this morning she remembered suddenly that he had asked for my phone number last week, and because he is a text-aholic she didn't give it to him for fear that it would be disturbing to me at work and such. Which is not true, I don't care how many times I am texted, if I can respond I do and if I can't respond I do when I can. So I told her to go ahead and give my number to him, although I do have his already. My sister lives in Colorado Springs and I have no idea how the gay community is in the state of Colorado but I hear that it is a rather conservative state. When my nephew gets to High School she is going to put him in a no tolerance high school (my niece currently goes there) and the policy is zero tolerance for anything that is considered bullying or the like. I think this is a good approach but also kind of fell that it will be hiding him.

Now for a story that breaks my heart and kind of the reason why I am writing this here:
My Niece, the one I just wrote about had a wonderful friend that she went to elementary, middle and started high school with. They were best friends. Well he was gay as well and when he entered High School he started working on equal treatment and support for everyone, not just gays, though that was a big part of it. Well it appears that he committed suicide recently because he didn't get the support he needed. I don't wan this to happen to my nephew but I can't protect him form everything just as my sister, his mother can't. I need to help them find people that can help support them there in Colorado. I can only be so supportive living so far away as I only get to see them all a couple times a year.

A penny (or EC) for your thoughts.

Just my 2 cents. But, I think his parents being supportive will help a lot. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell his mom and that they were able to talk says a lot. My father died when I was 4 so I only grew up with my mother. I came out to her when I was 15 even though I knew long before that. There were many things that she didn't understand. But I always knew that she had my back.

The other good thing is that they are planning on putting him into a school that has a zero tolerance policy. I don't think that's going to completely eliminate all possibilities of him being harrased (ie. outside of school and home) But I think it will help a lot.

I think if your nephew truly understands that there are people in the world that love and support him, that will go a long way. What is hopefully a last resort that will never have to be used, here are some sources of more support:

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/cryforhelp/episodes/resources/hotlines-and-web-sites-for-teens/11/

Quote by kiddkasper

Just my 2 cents. But, I think his parents being supportive will help a lot. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell his mom and that they were able to talk says a lot. My father died when I was 4 so I only grew up with my mother. I came out to her when I was 15 even though I knew long before that. There were many things that she didn't understand. But I always knew that she had my back.

The other good thing is that they are planning on putting him into a school that has a zero tolerance policy. I don't think that's going to completely eliminate all possibilities of him being harrased (ie. outside of school and home) But I think it will help a lot.

I think if your nephew truly understands that there are people in the world that love and support him, that will go a long way. What is hopefully a last resort that will never have to be used, here are some sources of more support:

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/cryforhelp/episodes/resources/hotlines-and-web-sites-for-teens/11/

Thanks for your 2 cents. Worth much more than that!

And I'm just thinking out loud on this one. But would a self defense/martial arts class be an option?

You get my four cents (two per topic):

Colorado, like California, is a state where there are some really conservative spots and some really liberal spots. You have cities like Boulder, which is full of hippies who can give Berkeley a run for its liberal money, and then you have areas like the rural southern farmlands that have more in common with the deep South. Colorado Springs is, from what little I saw of it and what I've read, is conservative, but not ridiculously religious. I know that it was one of the cities that started to really embrace the Tea Party's politics, then paid for it a year later when they had to stop things like nursery care and street lights. However, if this high school has a zero tolerance bullying policy, it must not be that conservative. If you've ever been to California's Orange County, I think it's a lot like that.

With regard to kiddkasper's suggestion, martial arts can be a great outlet for a gay person and a teenager. It teaches discipline, helps with physical fitness, and works wonders at relieving stress and getting your mind off whatever is bugging you. The ability to defend oneself is also very helpful, if only for the confidence it bestows in a variety of situations.

That said, it may not be for your nephew. A person has to WANT to pursue a martial art to reap the benefits. If your nephew is not inclined toward it, it shouldn't be forced on him. Additionally, the type of person the sensei/instructor is makes a huge difference. Some sensei are amazing people while others can be complete assholes who teach through fear instead of respect. (Most, in my experience, are thankfully the better type.)

So in short, I'm all for suggesting the martial art route, but it won't be a magic bullet. If your nephew does take one up, I would advise your sister to sit in on at least the first few classes and keep tabs on if her son is actually enjoying it.

One other thought (sorry, this is going longer than I intended). One big thing that will really help your nephew is if he can have something where he can truly express himself. Something, anything, where he can release stress, throw himself in, and do it with others. Forming those connections, with himself and with others, is going to be one of the best things that can be done to make sure he becomes a healthy adult.

It makes me excited to know that he'll have support at home. Even though I'm in southern Georgia, my parents never said anything negative to me about being with guys. Unfortunately, they never really said much of anything and I had no support at home until I became serious with my partner and shoved him into my family as an adult.

Life would have been much easier as a kid if I wouldn't have felt like I had to hide things from them. I'm happy that hopefully she can keep that relationship and communication open. That's a huge advantage for him.

Quote by chemkarate

You get my four cents (two per topic):

Colorado, like California, is a state where there are some really conservative spots and some really liberal spots. You have cities like Boulder, which is full of hippies who can give Berkeley a run for its liberal money, and then you have areas like the rural southern farmlands that have more in common with the deep South. Colorado Springs is, from what little I saw of it and what I've read, is conservative, but not ridiculously religious. I know that it was one of the cities that started to really embrace the Tea Party's politics, then paid for it a year later when they had to stop things like nursery care and street lights. However, if this high school has a zero tolerance bullying policy, it must not be that conservative. If you've ever been to California's Orange County, I think it's a lot like that.

With regard to kiddkasper's suggestion, martial arts can be a great outlet for a gay person and a teenager. It teaches discipline, helps with physical fitness, and works wonders at relieving stress and getting your mind off whatever is bugging you. The ability to defend oneself is also very helpful, if only for the confidence it bestows in a variety of situations.

That said, it may not be for your nephew. A person has to WANT to pursue a martial art to reap the benefits. If your nephew is not inclined toward it, it shouldn't be forced on him. Additionally, the type of person the sensei/instructor is makes a huge difference. Some sensei are amazing people while others can be complete assholes who teach through fear instead of respect. (Most, in my experience, are thankfully the better type.)

So in short, I'm all for suggesting the martial art route, but it won't be a magic bullet. If your nephew does take one up, I would advise your sister to sit in on at least the first few classes and keep tabs on if her son is actually enjoying it.

One other thought (sorry, this is going longer than I intended). One big thing that will really help your nephew is if he can have something where he can truly express himself. Something, anything, where he can release stress, throw himself in, and do it with others. Forming those connections, with himself and with others, is going to be one of the best things that can be done to make sure he becomes a healthy adult.

Thank you for your thoughts. I will be going to see them next month and will try and see if he is interested in Martial Arts. I know he loves to play baseball and I hope he keeps that up too. I am concerned about my mothers reaction though. She was only moderately accepting of me but I didn't tell her until I was 35. While she accepts she still silently judges. And I have seen how she treats him sometimes and fear that it will get worse. Regardless if I have to bring him to California I will :) Course I will have to fight Robbyn and Mike. Maybe a few pew pew pew's will work....

Seriously thanks for your input.

Quote by Daley

It makes me excited to know that he'll have support at home. Even though I'm in southern Georgia, my parents never said anything negative to me about being with guys. Unfortunately, they never really said much of anything and I had no support at home until I became serious with my partner and shoved him into my family as an adult.

Life would have been much easier as a kid if I wouldn't have felt like I had to hide things from them. I'm happy that hopefully she can keep that relationship and communication open. That's a huge advantage for him.

It is advantageous that he has support at home. Even his siblings will be super supportive and I even think extremely protective. But they can't protect him 100% of the time. I am with you, it was hard to hide this from family friends for an extended period of years. And when I finally did escape the closet I lost all my friends and some of my family. Well they lost not me. In Teagyn's (nephew) situation he will not lose family. thank god.

It's a very good thing that he's come to this decision and has decided to share it at such a young age. I too fought it it internally tooth and nail well into my 20's before the emotional exhaustion of leading a double life was just too much. The fact that he feels comfortable enough to share this with his Mother like that indicates that he knows he's going to have support and is very confident about who he is. This will serve him well in the years to come and if it does get too bad at school there's always homeschooling. If he needs some sort of outlet that he can delve into why not invite him to play STO?

Martial arts are a good thing to have but yes, only if he wants to. It can teach him discipline both mental and physical and will be an asset to him if used wisely. The fact that he's coming out at age 10 speaks volumes to his bravery and character.

Quote by Jacien

It's a very good thing that he's come to this decision and has decided to share it at such a young age. I too fought it it internally tooth and nail well into my 20's before the emotional exhaustion of leading a double life was just too much. The fact that he feels comfortable enough to share this with his Mother like that indicates that he knows he's going to have support and is very confident about who he is. This will serve him well in the years to come and if it does get too bad at school there's always homeschooling. If he needs some sort of outlet that he can delve into why not invite him to play STO?

Martial arts are a good thing to have but yes, only if he wants to. It can teach him discipline both mental and physical and will be an asset to him if used wisely. The fact that he's coming out at age 10 speaks volumes to his bravery and character.

I should get him into STO. But his education is first and foremost. Maybe I should buy him a computer for his birthday in a few weeks. His mom, my sister, is totally awesome as are the rest of his family. And actually Teagyn was called Mini-Me (meaning Mini Shawn) for a long time. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Quote by Darkaos

I should get him into STO. But his education is first and foremost. Maybe I should buy him a computer for his birthday in a few weeks. His mom, my sister, is totally awesome as are the rest of his family. And actually Teagyn was called Mini-Me (meaning Mini Shawn) for a long time. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I would say, just like with martial arts, if it is something that he has shown interest in. Does he play video games? Then a computer might be the way to go. Or does he like star gazing? (telescope) Or even dissecting things? (microscope)

While being familiar with technology is definitely a good thing (and will even be necessary) getting him something that fits his interests will mean a lot more to him imho.

My half-a-cent:

Colorado Springs is the headquarters of Focus on James Dobson, oops, I mean, Focus on the Family. Some consider it the capital of evangelicalism. If Boulder is the Berkeley, Colorado Springs is the Orange County.The fact that there is one specific high school with a specific zero-tolerance policy (wtf? Why isn't that EVERY BLOODY SCHOOL???) that you can send kids off to if they get bullied indicates that there is an obvious need in the community for this, as much as anything.

Quote by SiranNataan

My half-a-cent:

Colorado Springs is the headquarters of Focus on James Dobson, oops, I mean, Focus on the Family. Some consider it the capital of evangelicalism. If Boulder is the Berkeley, Colorado Springs is the Orange County.The fact that there is one specific high school with a specific zero-tolerance policy (wtf? Why isn't that EVERY BLOODY SCHOOL???) that you can send kids off to if they get bullied indicates that there is an obvious need in the community for this, as much as anything.

And now you understand my concern for my nephew. Maybe I am just being a drama queen but I have seen what nasty kids can do and what that leads innocents to do. I refuse to let that happen but at the same time can't be the shelter of avoidance.

The important thing is support from those nearby, at this time in history, the odds are good he should be able to manage.

It's awesome that your nephew's family is supportive! Really, that's the key for kids- whether they are LBGTQ or are just otherwise 'different'. If the immediate family ultimately has your back, problems such as peer rejection and isolation become easier to handle. That's not to say they are easy, but that family support goes a long way.

Find out what the kid's interests are and support them- whether they are martial arts, soccer, science, or ballet. Also, make sure he knows he can always go to you with any of his problems at any time.

Finally, make sure he knows about the Trevor Project. The website is http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ and they have many programs to support LGBTQ youth. Not only do they have phone numbers kids in crisis can call, they also have chat and text-message support programs where kids can find support from a trained adult. Finally, they have a closed, moderated social network where LGBTQ teens can communicate with one another. Even if he doesn't need their support now, he might later.

Best of luck and keep us updated!

Thanks Seannewboy and Paladia. This fleet has become a wonderful source of information, support and resources. I am so happy to be part of such an amazing organization.