The following is a guide to gender pronoun use. As we have many Transgender fleeties (some of whom are nonbinary), this guide may be useful in learning about how some Transpeople need to be addressed. Please ask any questions you may have! :)
What's a PGP?
'PGP' stands for 'preferred gender pronoun'. Your PGP refers to the personal pronouns you would like others to use when referring to you.
Examples of PGPs include:
He/Him/His: Masculine
She/Her/Hers: Feminine
Zie/Hir/Hirs: Neutral
E/Em/Eirs: Neutral ('Spivak' pronouns)
They/Them/Theirs: Neutral, 'Singular They'
Usage:
Jamie is going to the store to look for Jamie's lost umbrella. The one on the table is not Jamie's. So tell Jamie!
Masculine: He is going to the store to look for his lost umbrella. The one on the table is not his. So tell him!
Feminine: She is going to the store to look for her lost umbrella. The one on the table is not hers. So tell her!
Neutral: Zie is going to the store to look for hir lost umbrella. The one on the table is not hirs. So tell hir!
Neutral Spivak: E is going to the store to look for eir lost umbrella. The one on the table is not eirs. So tell em!
Neutral Singular They: They are going to the store to look for their lost umbrella. The one on the table is not theirs. So tell them!
There are even more pronouns than these, but the ones I've listed are the most common! Of the neutrals, 'singular they' is the easiest to use (it works just like 'plural they') and seems to be the most common.
But some of those aren't words!
Words are only words when they are used. If we use it, it becomes 'real.' As language is used, it changes. By consciously changing your language to respect another person's PGPs, you're helping to change the English language to be more accommodating of all people, not just men and women!
It may be difficult for you to change the way you use pronouns, especially when the pronouns involved are totally new to you. Luckily, with practice you can incorporate them into your speech. Plus, if you use a person's PGPs, they will feel more comfortable and accepted.
Wait... 'neutral?' Why would somebody use those? Aren't there only two genders?
Au contraire, mon Capitan!
Most people you will meet on this planet are cisgender. This means that their gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. So, if a person is born and the doctor writes 'male' on the birth certificate and later this person grows to identify as a man, he is cisgender.
Transgender refers to anyone whose gender identity does not match this gender assignment. You may be familiar with binary-gender identified transgender people. This refers to people assigned male who identify as female, and people assigned female who identify as male.
However, some transgender people do not identify as either male or female. They may identify as bigender (both male and female), agender (neither male nor female), and/or genderfluid (their gender identity fluctuates) among other identities. Umbrella terms used for these people include genderqueer or non-binary. People who do not have a binary gender identity may feel more comfortable when neutral pronouns are used to refer to them.
How do we know a person's PGPs?
When in doubt, ask!
Generally, those of us that prefer neutral PGPs will make it public knowledge. Look at my signature, my PGPs are there!
Most people (both transgender and cisgender) use binary pronouns. These refer to 'he' and 'she'. In the Stonewall community, our forum profiles make it a bit easier. If someone lists that they are 'male' or 'female' on their profile, it is best to go with the pronouns that align with their stated gender identity unless otherwise asked.
If the member has elected to use 'other' to describe their gender, you can use a neutral pronoun set OR just that person's name to refer to them until they tell you to do otherwise.
Shouldn't we just use neutral pronouns for everyone?
No!
First of all, gender identity is very important for most people. The majority of people do not have a neutral gender identity. So, we should use words that align with how these people wish to be called. If you've ever seen the TNG episode “The Outcast,” you may remember the J'naii race that had eradicated binary gender and punished those that identified as anything other than Androgynous harshly. Let's not do that here! Neutral pronouns are good to describe people we're unsure about as well as for those who prefer neutral pronouns.
Isn't it rude to ask someone about pronouns? I don't want to make people uncomfortable!
Cisgender people may feel odd at being asked what their gender or pronoun is, because in their experience these things have been self-evident. However, remember that many transgender people may not superficially appear as their actual gender. For those of us who are non-binary, it's difficult to appear as something a lot of people don't know actually exists! Therefore, asking makes you look very polite as well as a clear ally!
What if I get someone's PGPs wrong?
1. Acknowledge that you made a mistake.
2. Apologize.
3. Reword what you just said in the correct pronoun.
4. Move on. Never tell the person how 'hard' this is for you. This makes us feel as if we are asking too much of you to address us properly. Don't linger on your mistake, simply move on!
In my case, I would prefer a public acknowledgment as it reinforces my preferences to other Fleeties, but others might feel more comfortable with a private apology. When in doubt, ask!
What if someone else gets a person's PGPs wrong?
If you hear a someone using the wrong pronoun for a person who you know prefers a different pronoun, consider gently correcting them. For example, you can say "Paladia prefers to be referred to as 'they', not 'she'."
If you are corrected about someone's pronoun preferences, accept it gracefully and keep it in mind for the future.
Can PGPs change?
They certainly can!
Just like sexual orientation, gender identity can shift and change over time. Someone who identified as 'gay' in college might identify as 'bisexual' later in life, and vice versa. The same is true for gender identity. So, someone who you may have known as 'he' may come out as transgender and prefer 'she.' And then, as time passes, 'she' seems to fit less and less and the person decides to use neutral pronouns. Each gender journey is different!
If someone comes to you and speaks about changing their pronouns for whatever reason, respect that choice and do your best to use this person's new pronouns.
If you yourself are thinking of changing your pronouns, it may help for you to ask several trusted allies to use a new pronoun for you to see how it feels. Hopefully, Stonewall is a place where such friends can be made!
How else can I be a good ally?
Consider listing your PGPs, even if you are cisgender and they match your gender presentation. If you are active in any LGBTQIA clubs in which introductions are common, try introducing your PGPs along with your name. You can say, "Hi, my name is Mike. I prefer masculine pronouns: 'he, him, his.'"
What this does is not simply inform people of your gender identity, it also makes it 'okay' for us to make our pronoun preferences known. Constantly having to state your pronoun preferences can make non-binary people feel strange or different. If allies also state their preferred pronouns, it becomes less strange and more generally accepted in LGBTQIA groups.
With that in mind, I'll offer a challenge: If you've read this guide all the way to the end, respond with YOUR PGPs! :)
Stonewall Fleet strives to be inclusive, welcoming, and accepting to all members. If there is anything we can do to help you feel more at home here, please let either myself or any other member of the leadership team know!
